1:30 in the morning. I went to therapy today, resuming where I left off with Sharon from last year. I cried, unexpectedly, when we approached the subject of how much progress I had made during the year.- I actually have made significant progress in getting my shit together. Currently I’m holding down two jobs, I’m in a long term relationship, I’m being social and maintaining friendships, I’m going out and meeting new people, I’m challenging myself with new situations- such as volunteering for Breakie Van; drinking with work colleagues; Using facebook in an attempt to connect and strengthen my social contacts.These are tiny things, but it has been an intense struggle to achieve them. Amid which I’ve felt mostly hopeless, mostly as though I am a lost cause and a complete failure. But it’s important to acknowledge that I am slowly becoming stronger. It’s important for me to acknowledge that I’m a normal adult who merely has unregulated emotions and distracting thoughts.
Today though, at the end of the session, my therapist suggested that Schema therapy may be useful for me. I’m looking forward to strangling some of the groundless beliefs which motivate my self-defeating behaviour. In my own mind I’ve explored these of course - the idea of being abandoned, of being stupid, unnattractive, unlikable, the idea that I am unworthy and undeserving because inherently I’m bad or evil. I’ve told myself a thousand times that I’m silly for holding such thoughts, but for some reason having another person listen to me and help me makes a big difference.
And it’s ridiculous - because I’m a good friend - I’m an interesting person, I have integrity - I’m a hard worker. Unfortunately I m often in a flat or sad mood. But that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’m useless or a failure.